Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Thankful Current mood: thankful
Tonight I just wanted to share some things from my heart that I am thankful for.
First off, I am so thankful that I serve an awesome God that is ALWAYS there for me, even when I "put Him on a shelf". So many times in my life I have neglected my spiritual life, but never once has He forsaken me.
When I found out I was pregnant, I said why me, why now Lord? After the intial shock, I thanked God that He allowed me to be able to have children, and eventhough it wasn't when I thought I wanted to have a baby, He knew it was the perfect time. When we found out something was wrong with MJ on February 3rd, I was in pieces. I was distraught and angy and again wondered why. But, after much prayer and reading a book called When I lay My Isaac Down (thanks Dee for the book!) God gave me an unbelieveable peace inside of my heart and mind. Because of this, I was able to enjoy my pregnancy without worrying about the what if's and the why's. I cannot explain how I felt inside, it was as if God was right beside me every day comforting my heart and easing my worries. I loved being pregnant, even though I knew my baby girl had some mountains that she was going to have to climb.
When MJ first came out I cannot describe the feeling I had when I heard her cry and Steve say that she looked perfect. She is perfect in God's eyes. The first time I saw her up close was in the NICU at Baptist and all I could do was cry and thank God for such a beautiful baby and that I was able to carry her to term, even though the odds were stacked against me. When I arrived at Lebonheur and was told the seriousness of MJs heart condition, the Lord comforted me and put His loving arms around me and Steven and Macy Jane. The first time I held MJ and she looked up at me with her big beautiful blue eyes, my heart melted and I knew that God had given me a huge blessing. I have to admit that I did not "get attatched" or another way to say it is "bond with her" for several days because I was scared of losing her and thought if I didn't let my heart get too close, it would be easier if I lost her. However, the Lord changed my heart and the natural bonding took place.
Macy Jane Wiles has a long, hard, curvy road in front of her, but she has proved to all of us and her doctors that she is a fighter and she is not going to throw in her towel without a fight or the final say. September 12th is going to be a big day in her little life, but I have NO DOUBT that the Lord will see all of us through it, no matter what. He has gotten us through this far. Many days have been spent at Lebonheur Children's Medical Center, about 3 months actually, but God has let the time pass quickly and shown us through all of this that He is still faithful and in control. We have almost lost MJ a few times, but each time she bounces back and shows her will to live. I love Macy Jane more than I could ever show or say, but I am prepared for the Lord's will to be done. I have layed my Isaac down at the foot of the cross and if the Lord chooses to take Macy Jane to be his little angel, I will have to accept that and find peace in His perfect plan.
I also want to thank my family. For the first 6 weeks that MJ was in the hospital the 2nd time, I did not leave the hospital expect for lunch. Finally, everyone convinced me to get out and spend a night away. My parents have been awesome. My dad loved to feed MJ when she was able to take a bottle, and he was the only one that could get her to drink more than 20cc at a time and that just made his day. He is still upset that he can't feed her, but I promised him he would get to feed her again, someday. He has a nickname for MJ and it is splinter. It has 2 meanings. The first is that she is tough like a splinter and is going to "stick around" and the second is that she is going to "stick people", which basically means she is going to have people that love her when they see her and get to know her. I love it and thank God that I have such a wonderful dad. He used to be scared to hold her and would say "she is too fragile BJ", but he quickly got over that and within the first week of her life he held her without being afraid. He comes to the hospital every single night when he gets off of work after working 12 and 14 hour days and she ALWAYS smiles for him and that completely makes his day. Each night he says "well BJ she "stuck around" for one more day! I love my dad and thank him for all that he has done.
My mom is the next person that is just fabulous. Everyone that meets my mom automatically loves her. She is such a gentle and compassionate woman that has always been my Godly role model. She has been by my side through it all. When I cried, she cried, when I was happy, she was happy. She stays at the hospital with MJ on the nights that I sleep at home and she is so good with Macy Jane. Never once has she shied away from learning how to do something with MJ. She has no medical background, but was eager to learn all about the various tubes and lines that MJ had and it is such a comfort to know that when I am gone, she knows exactly what to do for MJ's medical needs. She has always called me "Soogie" for as long as I can remember. That is my nickname from her. Now that I have a daughter, she calls MJ "Soogie Bear" and I am proud that my daughter will someday have the special feeling of knowing that her Nana has a nickname just for her. She has also helped us out financially (her and dad) by buying our meals or buying MJ clothes when she is out and about. Her and dad are going to California with us and mom will be there the entire time that we are. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful and Godly mother.
The next people to thank are my sister and brother. When I found out something was wrong with MJ, Steve called Dee from the doctor's office and the very next day she drove in to town from Florida to be with me and comfort me while I was on bedrest. She was able to come back in to town and go to an ultrasound to see MJ for the first time and I am so happy she was able to experience that with me. When MJ was born, she stayed for a week and then came back a few weeks later and stayed for over 2 weeks. She could have chosen to stay in Florida and work, but she gave of herself and came to Memphis to help us out. Many nights she would stay up with me when we were at home and take care of MJ so I could sleep, or cook us dinner, and clean the house. She returned in July for Macy Jane's stomach surgery and again came in August to see her. Macy Jane loves her Aunt Fiddle Dee Dee and she is the best aunt possible. The other day she sent me pictures of clothes that she bought for Macy Jane for halloween, thanksgiving and winter. She didn't have to do that, but she is so giving. She will also be flying to California and staying a week with us. I have the best sister in the world and she has made my life so much easier.
My brother drive in the day before MJ was born and had to leave right after she was born. Due to his line of work, he wasn't able to come and see her again until the end of June. When he was able to see her, she was on the ventilator, but he didn't let that scare him, he wanted to hold her. He has been home twice in the past month and was able to hold MJ and talk to her in his many voices and she just smiled and kicked her little legs at her Uncle Moe Moe. Me and Moe haven't ever been really close, but he is always there when I need him and he is the best brother I could ask for! He picked out some clothes for her before she was born and I can't wait for MJ to be able to wear them.
I can't leave my friends and co-workers out either. Everyone has showed me how much they care by writing to me, calling me, and donating money to MJ's fund. Many have come to Lebonheur to visit with us and bring us snacks and goodies. Even if it was a short visit, it showed me that they trully care. Lots of people came in from out of town, and those that couldn't expressed their desire to come and visit. God has blessed me with some true gems and I thank each and every one of you.
Last, but definately not least, I have to thank my husband, Steven. After I had my c-section, he would get up in the middle of the night with me and help me set up my breast pump, take the milk back to the ICU, he cared for MJ during the night once we were in a regular room so that I could rest and recover from surgery. Even when I wanted to get up he would not let me. He is the sweetest man and the best father imaginable. He was able to take a month off of work when she was born and he wasn't just a daddy to MJ, but also a father. He has returned to work, often times working extra shifts, so that I could stay with Macy Jane at the hospital and not have to go back to work. On top of working, he has come to the hospital on his days off to help me and see MJ. She loves her daddy and it is obvious when he makes faces at her and she just gives that million dollar smile. It is amazing how little girls just wrap themselves around their daddies pinky finger. I can honestly say that our marriage is stronger through all of this. We are able to sleep in the same bed maybe one night a week, sometimes two, and do not get to have a lot of one on one time, but we still communicate with each other and show each other we love each other in different ways. He has been my rock more so than anyone else. I know that it has been stressful on him having to work and come to the hospital without ever really having a break from stress, but he has handled it well, and God is going to bless him through this, I just know it.
I know this blog is extremely long, but I had a lot of things I wanted to say. Please remember us in your prayers. Steven and my parents will be flying out of Memphis on Saturday, September 8th and please pray for their saftey. My sister is leaving Pensacola on Tuesday, September 11th (ICK what a day to fly!) and me and MJ will be leaving sometime at the end of this week or over the weekend. We should know tomorrow the exact time and day. If you forget to pray for our travel saftey, PLEASE just remember to be in prayer all day for Macy Jane on Monday as she undergoes a heart catheterization and on Wednesday when she goes for her life threatening surgery. So many have been faithful prayer warriors and I firmly believe that that is what has gotten us this far. Thank you to all of my friends for your love and your support, it is not taken for granted.