Monday, December 24, 2007
Scrooge Current mood: pissed off
The subject of this blog is exactly who I am feeling like tonight. For some reason, I am not in the Christmas spirit. I am not depressed or anything like that, it just doesn't feel like Christmas time to me. Part of the reason is that I missed half of the year being in a hospital and somehow....someway when you do not go outside for days/weeks at a time, time just seems to stop. So in my head, it should be the middle of June because that is pretty much when our lives were put on hold.
Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful that Macy Jane is at home with us and I would go through it all over again 50 times if it meant that she would be home with us! I would do anything in the world to help her.
I am just in a pissy mood tonight. I do not feel well at all. I thought it was allergies acting up because all of a sudden my eyes were watering, my nose dripping, and I have sneezed probably 75 times today, no lie. But, now I am feeling really stuffy nosed and my throat is sore. My day started with Macy Jane throwing up all over her spot on the couch. In the middle of me trying to wipe her face, she proceeded to throw up in MY face and in my hair.....it was that projectile. You may be wondering how that happened....well, I was leaning over her trying to make sure her face and ears were vomit free. She has thrown up a lot today. I may sound like a bad mom to some, but don't judge me until you have walked a mile in my shoes. I just get tired of getting thrown up on every day and having to wash burp cloths and towels every single night because we go through the majority of them. I don't get a full nights sleep ever because I wake up every 3 hours to turn her feeding pump on and when I do go to sleep it is a half eye open sleep because I am listening for her to start coughing, which usually leads to gagging, which leads to throwing up. I try giving her baby food, she throws it up because her gag reflex is hyper-sensitive. However, everyone is pressuring me to give her food orally and to do all of these things with her every day of the week to get her back on track developmentally. While I am eager and willing to do all of those things to help her, I would like to be able to enjoy her during the day and have fun with her at times. I know that when I put something in her mouth besides her pacifier, 9 times out of 10 it will cause her to gag. I am not an occupational therapist. I do NOT know exactly how I should be approaching the feeding issues. I do know that just shoving a spoon in her mouth with food on it is not the way to do it. that only makes the problem worse. I don't want her to be miserable all day every day. I agree that she needs therapy etc and I am trying to go through the appropriate channels and work with her until a therapist comes to the house. I wish that I knew someone in my situation that could offer me some advice.
Another thing is this. If ONE more person from Lucille Packard Children's Hospital in California calls me about the feeding pump that they loaned to us, I am seriously going to go off on them and take a hammer to the pump and mail it back to them in pieces. Due to our insurance switching, the case manager at the hospital said that they would loan us the feeding pump free of charge to us until we could get settled in with our new insurance company and get the supplies we needed. The case manager told me to take my time, not to rush, and to get MJ settled in to life at home and then worry about the pump. When I had a new pump I was to call Lupe (Case manager) and arrange to mail the borrowed back. They even gave me enough supplies and medicine for over a month (usually it is only for 7 days). Well, we were home for a week before people starting calling wanting to know if I was ready to mail the pump back. I have taken care of everything on my end. I told the pediatrician what I needed and his nurse is talking to our new insurance (which we havent even recieved our new insurance cards yet.....it just started Dec 1st!) company to find out which supplier etc to order the supplies from. HELLO it is the holidays. Things are A LOT slower. When I get the new pump and supplies I will gladly mail the old one back. Until they hear from me, they need to just stop calling me. I feel sorry for the next person that calls me about it.
Anyways, it isn't just about me and how tired I am of things that are going on. I feel bad for Macy Jane because she is really the one that has to endure all of the pain etc. However, she acts like nothing is wrong and will smile at me....even after throwing up 4 ounces of formula in 30 seconds. Amazing how strong she is. She keeps me going when I get down by just looking at me and reaching for my face and hair and laughing at me when I am acting silly with her.
I just feel like there isn't a moment when I don't feel uptight about something. If my mom comes over and watches MJ while I get out for a few hours, I am constantly wondering if she is throwing up or if she is breathing ok, or how her color is, did she get her medicine etc. It's just hard to walk out the door and not think about those things, because she is my life pretty much 24/7. I know her better than anyone and know exactly what she wants and what her cries mean. Sometimes I feel bad when I am not there for her, but I realize the importance of me getting away and taking a break.
Steve is constantly working. We really don't have much of a choice right now because my place is at home with Macy Jane until she is settled in a routine and headed in the right direction. That means that over 1/2 of our income is temporarily gone. He still gets 2-3 days off a week, but this time of year we aren't able to enjoy seeing each other and having down time as a family because of all of the party's and gatherings that we have to attend. Some of you are probably thinking he works a normal job like every other man, but you are wrong. He gets up at 5 to be at work by 6:30am and I don't see him again until 8:30pm at night. By that time, Macy Jane is asleep for the night and I am exhausted from my day. That doesn't exactly leave a lot of qualilty time for us. This situation is only temporary and we can make it on his salary, it's just a huge lifestyle adjustment for us. MJ is totally worth it, but in reality, I need to go back to work to help save money for the next trip to California and the future deductibles for 2008, which are WAY more expensive than our insurance at Baptist. Oh-well, God has provided so far and people have been very generous while we were in california.
I guess I am just having typical house-wife/motherly blues. This entire lifestyle is a lot different for me and I just haven't adjusted to it fully. I need to get in a routine and stick to it, as much as possible. I just get tired of having to do some of the things that I have to do over and over and over. Some days I dream of a fairy coming to my house and saying "Bethany, go sit down and relax! I am going to cook dinner, clean your house, finish the supper dishes, bathe the baby, feed the baby, and put the baby to bed for you while you enjoy a nice evening to your self!" HAHA I am dreaming, I know. My mom tries to do that but I am pretty sure Steve doesn't always want his in-laws at his house when he comes home.
Oh-well. This Scrooge still needs to do the dishes from supper and give MJ her midnight feed. I will probably snap out of this in my sleep tonight and be fine in the morning. Perhaps me feeling like crap and being tired is the main reason. Anyways, I do thank God that I have Macy Jane here with me at home and wouldn't trade any of this for anything in the world. Unless you have a chronically sick child.....you probably just don't understand how I am feeling....and that is ok I know it is normal to feel down at times, but that is why I have awesome friends that lift me back up.
I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for reading my pitty party blog. I promise I will be happy and jolly again someday.
BW